The tranquillity of contentment comes when a man stands before a canvas of rolling green roads and ponders where the drive will take him.
I have been fortuitous to be in this position on some of the most exotic golf courses known – and unknown – to man.
One of which is the Green Hill Golf Club — a course that, years later, remains a fond memory that visits like an old friend from simpler times.
I will not talk through every yard of every hole for I do not want to spoil the journey that lays in wait for those intending to do it in the nearest or furthest of futures. Only a man’s own eyes, nose, ears and thirst for nostalgia can paint the picture of pixel perfection in ways that simple words sometimes cannot.
Now if you decide to play this course for yourself, I must first warn you of the local wildlife native to these parts. Some are mechanised in nature and I do not recommend approaching them without the proper means to defend yourself. A three or four wood should do it.
The other group of creatures are little furries of various colours and species with a fondness for running shoes. On my first visit to the course, I partnered with a blue hedgehog determined to sell me on the delights of the chilli dog. I had said I did not wish to play eighteen long holes on a full stomach but he assured me that I should not worry, because we would be going through this course “very, very fast”.
The first hole is a par four with lush fairways bordered by a backdrop of blue that stretches towards the craggy rocks of afar.
But do not expect this haven to last forever. The fairways are parted by unsteady cliffs and wild waterfalls funnelling a steady sprinkle of water through the hole.
It is vital to get as much distance as you can with your drive. I had the misfortune of hitting a giant wasp buzzing between the palm trees, leaving me with the unnerving prospect of the water hazards and the mechanical mackerel within.
They leapt in to the air, jaws snapping and crunching and grinding at anything that may be soaring above. You will want to pick a club that gets enough height to lob over them — a feat I managed with my seven iron, but could probably have even achieved with my five.
After that miracle, I was faced with one of the strangest things I’d ever seen on a golf course. A loop-the-loop followed by a tunnel through one of the course’s many rock walls.
I turned to the hedgehog and asked “what sort of nonsense is this?”. Had I mistaken what I thought was a prestigious links course to be nothing more than some round of crazy mini golf?
He advised me to keep hold of the right button on the d-pad to get enough speed and not stop as you pass through the loop but I did not know what the heck he was talking about.
What I did find, though, was by striking the top of the circle and keeping it low, it should follow the path through the loop, tumble down the hill and through the hole.
After some long, agonising, breath-holding moments, it fired out of the tunnel like a cannonball and landed within a few feet of the flag. I must admit, watching the way it all came together mesmerised me with childlike marvel.
I made my way towards the green with a swagger and sank the easy putt to settle for par.
“This is a damn fine course,” I said, turning to where I thought the hedgehog would be but had been replaced by a small orange fox with the peculiar characteristic of having two tails.
I asked what happened to the other guy, only to be told he had ran on ahead and was already at the last hole.
This was one of the only nitpicks of this course. In a game of golf, and such like life, it was often the adventure between the tee and the green that brought the most enjoyment. Life was not a race to the end, it was a course of fairways and hazards and rewards.
Yet every creature was determined to rush through the holes at sonic speed so they could defeat this Robotnik fellow and his menacing machines.
Yes, he was planning on collecting all six chaos emeralds. and conquering the world, but I tip my hat to those little robotic moto-bugs of his. They sure kept these fairways as short and smooth as silk.